• ALZHEIMER’S SHOW
  • WEBINARS
    • Webinar Series No.5 23/24 November 2021
    • January 26/27 webinars
    • March 30/31 webinars
    • May 25/26 webinars
    • PRESENT A WEBINAR
  • NEWS
  • CONTACT
  • ALZHEIMER’S SHOW
  • WEBINARS
    • Webinar Series No.5 23/24 November 2021
    • January 26/27 webinars
    • March 30/31 webinars
    • May 25/26 webinars
    • PRESENT A WEBINAR
  • NEWS
  • CONTACT

‘Did I just ask you that?’

  • Posted by admin
  • On 19th November 2015
  • 0 Comments
  • #AlzheimersShow, #alzshow, Admiral Nurses, Age UK, Alzheimer's research UK, Alzheimer's Society, confusion, Daily Care, death, dementia, diagnosed, GP, health, help, Home Care, Home Care Agency, increasing care, living with, Meals on Wheels, memory loss, practical, relative, Social Services, spouse, stress, vascular dementia

The Alzheimer’s Show’s Online Editor Christina Macdonald reflects on the challenges of caring for her mum, Hazel Neal, who was diagnosed with dementia six years ago

My mother was first diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2009, though I suspect she’d had the illness for a couple of years beforehand. I’d known for a while that something wasn’t right, but she refused to see her GP and dismissed my fears. She blamed her memory loss and increasing confusion on the stress of caring for my late father, who died in November 2007. Some people think that the death of a spouse can ‘accelerate’ the progression of dementia, though I personally believe it’s because the dementia becomes more apparent without their support. Although very ill, my father was mentally sound and able to remind her to do certain tasks. Caring for him also gave her a focus. When he died, she seemed lost.

At first it started with memory lapses, like forgetting I was going to visit or asking the same questions several times. As the illness took hold, I learned not to point out that she was repeating things, though mum was sometimes aware that she might be doing it. ‘Did I just ask you that?’ She would say. I would nod silently. ‘I’m sorry,’ she would reply. ‘I must be driving you mad.’ My answer? ‘It’s OK. You can ask the same question as much as you like, so long as you don’t mind the same answer!’ Sometimes she would even laugh at that. It really depended on what mood she was in.

Chris and Hazel

Refusing help
During the earlier stages of mum’s dementia, we faced two main struggles. The fact that she denied having dementia and thought it was just a memory problem (which she blamed on ‘old age’.). This meant she refused to accept that she needed help coping with daily tasks. The second problem was that I lived more than an hour away and could only visit her at weekends, so she spent a lot of time alone. Without any mental stimulation most days, she began to deteriorate.
At first I respected mum’s wishes when she insisted she didn’t need any help. But when she began to lose weight, I had to do something. She was living on a diet of chocolate and cigarettes and not eating proper meals. She became very thin. I contacted social services and arranged for her to have Meals On Wheels. On the first day, she rang me and told me she hated the dinner. I asked her to persevere and leave it until the end of the week before making any hasty decisions. By the end of the week, she’d decided she liked the puddings! When she had a regular hot meal every day, she began to gain weight and look healthier.

I also contacted Age UK, who arranged for her to have a cleaner. Mum refused at first but I insisted. It would have been insensitive to point out that the house was dirty so when she asked me why it was necessary, I told her: ‘I’m worried you might fall when trying to vacuum the stairs’. Somehow that made it seem more acceptable to her, whereas telling her the house wasn’t very clean would have upset her.

Daily care
Having meals delivered daily and a cleaner twice a week helped her tremendously. She enjoyed the cleaner’s company and frankly I was relieved that someone was looking in on her every day. However, as her health got worse, I had to increase her home care. Some days she just didn’t want to get out of bed. I arranged for a homecare agency to get her up and washed and dressed in the mornings, and then put her to bed in the evenings. She was angry I did that and used to get aggressive with the home care staff. But it was completely necessary to keep her safe and well.

As her health got worse, I kept increasing her care. Eventually it reached the point where she couldn’t be on her own. One night in December, she was found in the street without a coat at 10pm. She was clearly confused, and was unable to explain where she lived or what she was doing.

That incident was the turning point for me. I realised she couldn’t be alone any longer. Mum now has 24-hour care and is well looked after. Her dementia has reached the point where she can no longer articulate sentences properly. Most of her dialogue is jumbled. She’s also lost her ability to do many daily tasks that most of us take for granted and does random things like pouring an unwanted cup of tea on the carpet. She needs help with everything. She’s also forgotten that my father has died and often asks where he is. However, at this stage, I’m thankful she still knows who I am. I am sure it won’t be much longer before she doesn’t remember me. Until then, I’m counting my blessings.

 3

0 Comments

Recent Posts
  • Fearful future
  • Know that someone else understands
  • Going somewhere? Plan, prepare and be patient
  • Designability at The Alzheimer’s Show
  • Walk a mile in their shoes
Recent Comments
    Archives
    • July 2016
    • June 2016
    • May 2016
    • April 2016
    • March 2016
    • February 2016
    • January 2016
    • December 2015
    • November 2015
    Categories
    • Dementia Blog
    • Uncategorised
    • In Association with
      • Alzheimer's Society
    • Headline Sponsor
      • Sweet Tree
    • Research Charity Partner
      • Alzheimer's Research UK
    • Exhibitor Workshop Sponsor
      • Re:Cognition Health

    ‘Why write about dementia?’ - Introducing our new Online Editor Christina Macdonald

    Should you take a person with dementia on holiday?

    Scroll

    Copyright © 2021 The Alzheimer's Show – All Rights Reserved.  Privacy policy.

    This site uses cookies. By continuing to browse the site you are agreeing to our use of cookies.Accept
    Privacy & Cookies Policy

    Privacy Overview

    This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
    Necessary
    Always Enabled
    Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
    Non-necessary
    Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.
    SAVE & ACCEPT